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Hacker Scripts

Based on a true story:

xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something - anything - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that.

xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy"

xxx: You're gonna love this

- sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login.

- scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help", "trouble", "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time".

- another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling well/gonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am.

xxx: (and the oscar goes to)
- this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens a telnet session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has a TCP socket up and running) and sends something like

sys brew
. Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits another 24 (!) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk.

xxx: holy sh*t I'm keeping those

Original: (in Russian)
Pull requests with other implementations (Python, Perl, Shell, etc) are welcome.


You need these environment variables:

# used in `smack-my-bitch-up` and `hangover` scripts

used in kumar_asshole script

[email protected] GMAIL_PASSWORD=password

For Ruby scripts you need to install gems:

gem install dotenv twilio-ruby gmail

Cron jobs

# Runs `` monday to friday at 9:20 pm.
20 21 * * 1-5 /path/to/scripts/ >> /path/to/smack-my-bitch-up.log 2>&1

Runs monday to friday at 8:45 am.

45 8 * * 1-5 /path/to/scripts/ >> /path/to/hangover.log 2>&1

Runs every 10 minutes.

*/10 * * * * /path/to/scripts/

Runs hourly from 9am to 6pm on weekdays.

0 9-18 * * 1-5 /path/to/scripts/

Code is released under WTFPL.

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